I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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