I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
