I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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