it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
