Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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