oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
