she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
