I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think my fart just growled at me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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