I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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