A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
