like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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