Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize