Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
