I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
