just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
porn star boner night. come get it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
