Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
