I met the friendliest cop last night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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