question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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