I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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