Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
