: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
