you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
