Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
