The brown eye won't let me do that either.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So apparently I’m into choking now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
