I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
