He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
