i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
