I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
