So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
