Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
