Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
