non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
