There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
