he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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