What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
