So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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