Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
