I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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