I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
