i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
