Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
