70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sorry about my life...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
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