I'm going to jail i love you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
