i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
FUCK WHALES
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
