I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
