I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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