i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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