Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
