Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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