My friends, they love my intelligence
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize