They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
