Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
