You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
