i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
