I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
