I'm so fucking centered right now
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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