nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
