I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
