So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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