my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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